Just reached back from KL. We had the chance to say goodbye to dear Babah. I just cannot stop from crying. I cried earliest. I am just so weak. I even cried louder when I saw some of the soldiers cried during the parade. Not my intentions to burst into tears in front of the Babah, it's just it won't stop. I heard children crying and waving goodbyes and flying kisses, it hurts me more. I used to watch TV about how people go away to wars, and now it's happening to me and the rest of the family. It's sad to see our loved one waving goodbye.
But, it's good to have someone like him as the protector. I felt protected, though. When I was there, I was talking to myself, "I am suppose to be a soldier, like him! I had choose the wrong path!". Am I choosing the wrong path? Is it wrong for me to be a teacher, not a soldier? I deeply thought of it, and I said, "I am a soul-fighter, just like my Babah!". I teach and assist young souls about life and about how to be human. As far as I know, I am not nerdy. I have aim about how to teach my students. I teach with care and concern. Teaching does not tiring me up, not at all. It was the surrounding that kept me down.
We grew up seeing Babah not to be at home as frequent as a father should, but we certainly understand it well as times passed. It's not easy to be him. I admire the way he take care of us. Rushing back home even if he has to rush back then. It's the most valuable quality of with I want my future husband to have inside him - the importance of the family.
Through out these years, I've been searching for a male soul who are most likely, or just like my Babah. I want and adore man with the hardship - struggling to be on top, knows how to do traditional chores and not being too dependable to gadgets and not living modernly, just like Babah used to be. I want my man to be that way.
For now, let's pray for the best for my dear Babah. We all wanting him safe and sound, and safely return home to us. So much to tell. Deep down, all the Zainal's have our own unspeakable dilemma to where only Allah S.W.T knows.