It was about 9 p.m. I was on my laptop browsing through the Google search about how to properly wash the face when I saw the entry on my dashboard. Okay, I glanced through, skimming and scanning the entry. I stopped at the end of entry. And I was like, “What? Give away perfume? Intense by Fergie?? It is so mine!”. I thought I could give it a try. =)
Okay. My conflicts about the confidence thing were starting at the age of early 13. I was fat back then. Really! I hate everything about myself. I always talk bad about how I look. I criticise myself like every day. I thought that if I am thin and slim, I may look more beautiful and people may accept and be friends with me. So, I planned my diet and my exercises. I work out like every day. I did skip rope, push-up, and sit-up and repeat the whole process for two hours straight. I don’t care if I am dizzy or tired. My aim is to be thin for people to love me. Okay. To cut short, I did lost weights. 14 kilograms in a fortnight! It all happens on the school holidays.
My friends are all shocked about how pretty I look. Pretty ker? At the time, I was so pleased due to my drastic changes. I gain friends. Yes, tons of them! But then, I realise, have lot of friends are not always a good thing. The thing is, you can’t really know who is one true friend, right? And being among them doesn’t make me feel much happier. I worried more. I always have this silly thought, “Who’s prettier?”. So, I did not really gain my confidences by going slim, yet I feel like a total lost. I can’t even find myself; my identity. As result, I isolated myself. Like years. I am friends with only small numbers of people, who am I thought are not better looking than me. Actually, it was just an excuse though, since I still cannot win the battle inside of me. I realise now that I am not a true friend! =(
It’s getting worse since I finish high school. I have this habit of being friends with only boys. Yes, you heard it right, friends with only boys! I thought by being mixing around with only boys could make them see that I am one perfect girl – girl of their dreams and desire. Again, I was making them as an excuse. Reality, I still not gain my confidence, even it has been years since I got slim. I don’t feel comfortable being around girls. I don’t do fashion and make-up, or even hair. I am suck at it! I just hate my face. And since I did the crash diet, my hairs are all falling and thinning. How in the world I could gain the confidence? Girls are all pretty and fashionable! They have charisma! But, not me! =(
|Shasha and I =)|
Years go by. It is 2011. And I am a proud 21 years old teenager with full of charisma and high confidence level. I begin to realise about how I wasted my teenage years by doing nothing about my confidence. It happened on the day my collage friends and I were sitting, talking about our high school life. They have such a great memory of their school time, but not me! I envy them for that. And that is when I stood up tells myself that it is time to make changes! And I did.
Believe it or not, I am now one of the top 5 students in my class. I improved myself by practise speech on mirror every time I have presentations to do. Well, do you guys have ever play ‘The Sims’. It doesn’t matter what serial, but the game had thought me a big lesson about gaining confidence. Notice that the sim (the avatar) always get promoted whenever they gained one point of practise speech? You see, game is not always a bad thing. =)
As in my previous years, I always avoid when it comes to sport. I just hate them! But, actually I am afraid that people might know how fat I am – butt going up and down (I was suffered from anorexia and bulimia). I get anxious when people complaint about my appearance. But not now! =) I am actually a physical education student. Jogging and physical activities are kind of my thing now. I do canoeing, netball, handball, football, hockey, badminton and even gymnastics. I really enjoy myself. I believe, if we were really enjoying whatever we are doing, it is a good sign about how much we love oneself and as indicator of the confident level; good and gaining.
I am much happier now, really. My life had totally changes. I am friends and mix around with girls these days. The best part is, I am totally comfortable being with them, not comparing myself again.
Beauty is subjective. I can’t force people to say that I am pretty and totally stunning! I may look beautiful and gorgeous on one people eyes, but the others may have different thought about how I may appear. It doesn’t matter. As long as I have the confidence, I may live my life to the fullest.
It is one true story of mine. I understand if admin do not find it as one interesting story, but this is how I gain my confidences. And I am still doing it. I am improving myself, one step at a time.
But, somehow I hope my story may inspire others in finding their own confidence.
Thank you for reading. =)